Babies, eh? A total mystery.
A lot of my time is spent trying to de-code the tone of Baby O’s crying / babbling / screeching to understand what is either being demanded or strongly declined.
As she gets older it becomes a bit easier, with the addition of hand movements and facial expressions. It’s hard to miss the signature withering expression meaning ‘get that homemade quinoa-cheesy-bite away from me and give me some Ella’s Kitchen fruit puree now‘.
I think we are making progress in our two-way communication. With the benefit of having been able to study Little O for 10 months, I like to think I know what’s going on in her mind at least some of the time.
I imagine her morning goes something like this:
A Typical Morning:
7.00am – Come on lazy bones! I want to get up and play!
7.10am – That’s it, I give up, I’m getting out of here. If I can work out how to climb out of this wooden cot-prison. Hang on, change of plan, I’ll wait a bit longer as I want to spend some quality time gnawing on my crackly Lamaze doll.
7.20am – MUM! Don’t open the curtains, it’s too bright. Yes I’m bringing two dummies with me to the changing table, don’t even think about trying to make me leave one behind in my cot. Get a move on, I’m starving. Really, go ahead and change my nappy at a glacial pace, I’ll reward you with non-stop crying until I get my milk.
7.25am – Yum, Milk. Best thing ever. Except for chewing on remote controls.
7.45am – OK, now I’m fully charged and ready to practice standing up against the sofa. Pass me the remote control. No, really, pass it to me or I’ll scream.
7.46am – Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, it’s ok, I’ll play with this wooden spoon instead. I want to stand and sit at the same time, how is this not possible? Look, a plug socket, excellent. Lets commando-crawl towards it. Drat. Almost got there, but was lifted away when I was just a fingertip away. Most unfair. I was going to scream but will make do with watching a video clip of myself on mummy’s phone. Hmmm I feel a bit calmer now. Watching my own fabulous antics on film really cheers me up. I’m so funny.
8.15am – In baby jail playpen whilst mum eats some weetabix. It is totally unreasonable to expect me to wait for my weetabix so I’m going to whinge until she abandons her breakfast and gets on with making mine. Come on love, I’m starving.
8.30am – Mmmmmm weetabix.
8.31am – Actually, although I usually adore it, I’m going to keep mum guessing and only eat two spoonfuls today. No, stop trying to make me eat it. I want toast, not weetabix. No, don’t under any circumstances take the weetabix away.
9.00am – Don’t leave me mum! I don’t care that we are going out and you need to get changed out of your pyjamas and spray powdery stuff into your hair to make people think it has been washed. I don’t want you to move out of my sight for even one minute. Yes, bringing me with you into the bathroom is great. Oh look, a cupboard, what’s in here? Can I get this bottle open? Give it back! What, mum? Giving up on your shower? Good.
9.15am – I feel a bit tired now. Making a continuous groaning sound helps. Can we watch cartoons?
9.20am – I love cartoons. Iggle Piggle is the best. I want him to be my best friend. Where the hell is my mum? I think she’s gone to apply concealer to her eye bags. Clearly it makes no difference but I will remain quiet and allow her two minutes to indulge in her denial about how much the make up can actually improve her exhausted face. I think she’s lovely, anyway. Especially when she blows raspberries on my tummy.
9.22am – Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh! What’s a baby gotta do to get some attention around here? Here she is, running around packing a large bag. I think it’s my stuff. I hope she’s bringing a spare outfit as I’m saving this nappy explosion until we’re in the shopping mall.
9.30am – Yesssssss I love the car seat. I’m pretty tired. Mmmmm I love watching the tops of the palm trees out of the car window…….
10.15am – Where am I? Oh, it’s the mall again. Joy. Why do we have to come here all the time? It was boiling hot outside but my feet are freezing in here. Oh, I feel much better now my tummy has emptied out. Why does my mum look so upset? It’s nice to change outfits a few times per day, yes? Milk please!
10.30am – I’m not in the mood for shopping today. If I have to spend more than a minute inside any shop I will make my feelings known in a very loud fashion.
11.30am – Soft play is the most fun ever. I’m staying here forever. That’s funny, mum seems to be gathering up our things, there’s no need to do that if we’re staying here. Whaaaaaat? Noooooo! Put me down. I’m not going anywhere! Never mind, I’ll watch myself on video again. Hello car seat. Good, that means we are heading home for lunch. I’m super hungry. I hope we have some quinoa-cheesy-bites for lunch. It’s so much fun watching them bounce off the floor.
I would like to think this is somewhere near accurate.
Stay tuned for Part 2, coming soon……
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